When it comes to child beauty queens, I get upset. Not because of the spray tan chemicals, painful wigs, and overly sexy costumes...I guess getting jealous would be more apt. I could totally give those Madisons and McKenzies a run for their money! (Seriously, the things that pass for pretty feet!) The unhappiness felt by many of the girls about being fawned over as they are transformed from toothy, muddy, developing humans into living doll beauty queens, is disconcerting. (Who needs Legos and finger paints?) I would love nothing more than to be transformed from Average Jane to Awesomely Attractive Jane! However, I prefer my dress be made in Italy instead of some woman's double-wide.
Sadly, my chances to be a child beauty queen are behind me, and I am not accomplished enough in life, or bust, to be an adult queen. I could always enter the "Mrs." pageant circuit, but this would place some stress on my remaining a Mrs.! Being a 30 year old obnoxious girly girl is usually some plea for undeserved attention reeking of despair, even Elle Woods knew to suit up as a lawyer. So I have learned to control my love of pink and shiny, even if doing so has strengthened my obsession for puppies.
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| Caption: Best of Both Worlds or Beat this Eden Wood! |
Assisting in this transformation was my marriage to a sports lover. He is not just a sports lover, he is an "I can tell you player statistics and salary for all MLB players" sports lover. Or more like a "He started dating me because the Soccer Channel was part of my basic cable plan". He is also an "I get so depressed when my team loses a major sporting event I walk home from the bar four miles away at one AM" sports lover. Luckily for our marriage, I enjoy attending sporting events. (Perhaps for the pageantry of it all, even though no one does The Wave anymore.) My enjoyment at these events comes not from the excitement and drama of the live game, but from the fact that arenas and ballparks serve exclusively junk food. So I pass through the ticket booth with an empty stomach and wait anxiously for the nacho and beer opportunity to arise. At one ballpark, they served vegetarian hot dogs, this park was in San Francisco, but for a brief moment it was in Heaven. In the real world, I couldn't eat pizza and french fries without feeling terrible guilt, however dipping nachos into that processed milk product helps me focus and eventually I learn a little something about the sport I'm watching. So if it takes a million tortilla chips to transform this dainty lady into a tailgating sports fan, I am up for the challenge!
Since I was worried that TLC wouldn't allow me to use their images and I don't want any hits from future Dateline guests, here is a link to T & T's top tanning moments:
http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/tv/toddlers-tiaras/videos/toddlers-tiaras-top-tanning-moments.htm
While Mrs. America sounds made up, it is not, here is proof:
http://www.mrsamerica.com/
I would also like to thank Wrigley Field, The United Center, Citi Field and AT&T Park, for inspiring this post. Please ignore the peer and government pressure to offer healthy food choices.
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